Why do many women and vulva-owners find it difficult to orgasm during intercourse?
But sex continues to be defined—particularly in heterosexual relationships—as penis-in-vagina penetration. The necessary sequence tends to be: erection, penetration, ejaculation—sex revolves around the penis and ends when he comes. Clitoral stimulation is too often relegated to the realm of the optional—it’s considered ‘foreplay’—instead of a vital sex act in and of itself.
A lot of men mistakenly seem to think that sex is about jackhammering a penis as fast as possible into a vagina. But sex is so much more than that, and going straight from taking your clothes off to jackhammering is almost never a good idea. It can even be really uncomfortable or painful. It usually takes a little time for our bodies to feel sufficiently relaxed and aroused.
And so, for many women, faking it often simply seems like the least awkward way to end sex when it’s clear that orgasms (for them) are not on the menu.
Sex can be a lot of fun! But there’s more to sex than just thrusting as fast and hard as possible. Slow down, explore, savour, play, be present, take your time!
Remember: Most vulva owners don’t orgasm from penetration alone. Clitoral stimulation is also required!
(Of course, everyone’s pleasure has unique specificities, and some people with vulvas may indeed enjoy how penetration feels on its own—but these are some general overarching insights that are worth keeping in mind.)
Positions to Try
If you’d like to explore how penis-in-vagina sex can become more pleasurable for both partners, here are some positions that enable adequate friction on the external clitoris alongside penetration.
The ‘woman on top’ or ‘cowgirl’ position is often a favorite to maximize pleasure during vaginal intercourse because it allows the person with the vulva to have more control over the movements, making it easier for them to ensure that their external clitoris is also getting some stimulation—typically against the partner’s pubic mound or lower abdomen.
Instead of the typical in-and-out thrusting motion, penetration can take the form of a deeper rocking/grinding/rubbing motion—a rocking up and down instead of a thrusting in and out—with both partners pressing up against each other. This often allows for adequate, sustained clitoral stimulation alongside penetration.
Using Water based lube on the clitoris and on the section of the partner’s lower belly or pelvic region against which it is rubbing ensures greater comfort and pleasure.
What is squirting?
Squirting is the involuntary expulsion of liquid from the urethra by people with vulvas during sexual activity. The liquid may contain traces of urine as well as a thicker liquid called female ejaculate, produced by the Skene’s glands (also called the female prostate) which are a pair of little glands located on each side of the urethral opening.
While some people experience squirting during sex or masturbation, it’s worth knowing that in porn, squirting is often artificially created.
How can you last longer in bed?
When it comes to the concerns of people with penises on the other hand, what we get asked most with regard to intercourse is, ‘How can I last longer?’
We do not recommend climax delay condoms and sprays as they typically contain ingredients that work by numbing the skin, and can therefore limit sensation for both partners. There are also all kinds of tablets and pills out there promising ‘virility’, ‘vigour’, and ‘stamina’, but too often, their efficacy is dubious, and I wouldn’t recommend taking any medication without consulting a doctor.
What is edging?
Edging is the sexual practice of delaying your orgasm so you can prolong the time until climax. While it can be practiced by anyone of any gender, it is often suggested as a technique for people with penises to ‘last longer’, as premature ejaculation tends to be a common concern among penis-owners. By pausing or switching things up when you feel yourself approaching orgasm, and repeating this a few times, you can keep enjoying solo or partnered sexual activity for a longer duration before ultimately climaxing.
