Common Sexual Fantasies
Fantasies are normal, and even the seemingly ‘freaky’ ones are way more common than we think.
Here are some common categories into which our sexual fantasies may fall into:
Novelty: Fantasies about a new person, place, position or situation. Sometimes these may be novel scenarios that are considered taboo or forbidden.
Multi-partnered sex: Threesomes or group sex, or being watched, or watching others. Power and control: One might fantasize about being more dominant or more submissive in bed.
Erotic flexibility: Reversing gender roles or sexual-fluidity fantasies are also very common. One may imagine sexual acts that are seemingly inconsistent with how one identifies sexually.
You don’t have to act on everything you fantasize about, and if you do want to play out a fantasy, it’s really for you and your partner(s) to figure out what you’re comfortable or not comfortable with. Informed, mutual, enthusiastic consent is essential.
What is role play?
Role play during sex is when partners decide to act out a fantasy or take on the personas of characters in a scene they find exciting—this could include dressing up and costumes, or simply acting out a situation: such as pretending to be doctor and patient or boss and employee or whatever other scenario you both might find erotic.
Many people find roleplay to be a fun way to shed inhibitions in bed and make things extra steamy and sexy—while others may enjoy it as an opportunity to be really goofy and have a laugh together.
FETISHES AND KINKS
What is a fetish?
A fetish is when you link your sexual arousal to specific objects, materials, or non-genital body parts. For example, one could have a foot or armpit fetish, or a fetish for high heels or stockings.
Whether or not you have a particular fetish, it’s often easy enough to see the erotic appeal of common objects and materials that people have fetishes for: leather, latex and velvet, for example, each has its own unique and beautiful appearance and texture that lends itself to a sensory response.
When you think about it, almost anything can fire up the erotic imagination. For instance, even as mundane and everyday an item as fruit can be erotic. Peeling and feeding your lover a lychee; squeezing and sucking a delicious mango—you don’t have to have a fruit fetish to be able to see the erotic potential of fruit (although, hey, maybe I do have a fruit fetish!).
What is a kink?
A kink is an unconventional sexual preference or behaviour. But what’s considered ‘kinky’ and ‘unconventional’ might vary from person to person, given their generation, cultural context and prevalent sexual norms.
For example, our grandparents might consider sex toys or doggy style ‘kinky’, but these seem fairly vanilla today. BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism), pegging, group sex and cuckolding are examples of sexual preferences currently considered kinks.
While you might think some of your sexual preferences are ‘weird’ or that no one else has them, the world is actually pretty damn kinky and fetishy behind closed doors. Human sexuality is nuanced and complex. And fun! What really matters is consent.
Common Kinks and Fetishes
BDSM
The acronym ‘BDSM’ encompasses a range of sexual activities that involve elements of bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism.
An emphasis on informed consent is absolutely central to BDSM because such play often involves varying degrees of pain, physical restraint, domination and submission. Acts may include impact play such as spanking, or rope play, such as having your lover tie you up, or giving and receiving commands—so it is extremely important that both partners share exceptional communication and respect each other’s boundaries.
When consensually engaging in acts that could be dangerous, it is necessary to evaluate the risks involved beforehand. Within BDSM terminology, informed consent between individuals is known as SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) or RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink).
It is also common for partners who engage in BDSM to have a ‘safe word’ which either partner can say at any point, and the activity would have to stop—this and other such precautions are central to safe and pleasurable BDSM.
The idea is certainly not to harm your partner, but rather to together, consensually, explore each other’s arousal, fantasies and pleasure uninhibitedly—many people find aspects of BDSM, power-play and relinquishing control, extremely arousing.
What is femdom?
Femdom is short for female dominance. Within the kink arena, femdom refers to a dominant feminine partner, typically a dominant woman with a submissive man who wants to obey and please her and follow her commands. The term originates in the BDSM landscape, where a dominant describes a partner who takes charge during consensual sex acts involving power, pain or humiliation.
A person can be called a femdom, or an activity can be referred to or described as femdom. It is also a popular genre in porn and erotica. For instance: ‘he likes his femdom tying him up’ or ‘we’re curious to try femdom’ or ‘did you see that femdom video?’
Many people find the idea of femdom especially appealing because it subverts traditional power dynamics—in society, men are expected to be powerful and authoritative while women are expected to be subservient and devoted. In femdom, these gender expectations are reversed.
The domination could be gentle, or more fierce and intense, depending on one another’s interests and boundaries. And the roles could be sexual as well as non-sexual—some choose to extend the power dynamics beyond the bedroom as well.
What is a foot fetish?
Some people are sexually aroused by feet—this is called a foot fetish. Foot fetishes are extremely common. Many people are drawn to how feet look and feel or to the sense of submissiveness associated with touching someone’s feet.
For some people, a foot fetish may extend to enjoying one’s partner wearing a particular pair of shoes or, perhaps, preferring their toenails to be painted a certain colour, while for others, just the foot itself may simply function as an object of arousal.
If we’re honest, many people enjoy the sensation of their feet being touched—most people like a foot massage, for example—so it can certainly be an erogenous zone that’s fun to explore.
What is cuckolding?
Cuckolding is a fetish where a person gets turned on by their partner having sex with someone else.
Why does this turn some people on? Well, it’s possible to be aroused by the idea of doing something taboo, or by feelings of sexual jealousy, humiliation or submission.
Some folks may also experience compersion—the opposite of sexual jealousy—seeing their partner happy with another person may make them happy.
If you’re wondering about the origin of the word ‘cuckold’, it comes from the cuckoo bird which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests such that the birds who had originally made the nests go on to raise chicks that aren’t their own. ‘Cuckold’ was first used in medieval times to refer to the husband of an ‘unfaithful’ wife who, unaware of his wife’s infidelity, would raise children that weren’t his own.
In the context of the fetish, the genders of the participants can, of course, vary and the point is that the cuckold actually consents to, enjoys and is aroused by being cuckolded.
As with the practice of any kink or fetish, consent and communication are absolutely central. Clear boundaries are laid out between partners as well as with the third party.
Several kinks and fetishes can seem at odds with our everyday ‘morality’. Sometimes we may be turned on by something society tells us we are meant to be upset about—in this case, your partner with another person. If we acknowledge that the realm of sexual arousal is complex and multifaceted, and if we centre consent, respect and communication as the cornerstones of any sexual exploration, our kinks and fetishes become much more navigable territory.
